At least the nice weather is over

As some of you are aware my littlest ended up in A&E on Thursday afternoon having taken a full on smash to the face with one of those circular-any-direction swings. It had just been pushed really hard and left swinging and she decided she wanted...actually who knows what she was thinking when she ran full pelt and, despite Jo's best efforts to stop her, stood right in the centre of the swing area and took it at full speed, launching her backwards and leaving her face covered in blood and Jo having to run with her to the doctors and then having to make a mad dash to A&E (big thanks go out Vicki for responding quicker than an ambulance could have to get everyone there and back, although I should make it clear that no speed limits were broken). The upshot is that she seems ok, and the doctors don't believe anything is broken (thankfully babies don't have bones in their noses for good reason) but she is developing a black eye and her nose is a bit conk due to the swelling on her face. They are going back next week to have it checked.

This has left me wanting to be at home more than at any other time I've been in here. I have seen pictures of her, and spoken to her and she is fine, but all I want to do is give her a cuddle. And the same applies to the rest of my ladies. I realised on Friday that it was Day 17 since admission (Day 8 of the transplant) which was the day I was released following my auto, so this is now the longest I have been in hospital and away from the kids. And I can honestly say it is getting a bit harder now to get through the day without feeling, for want of a less teenage expression, a bit bored.

It also got me thinking that, although she is ok, it could have been a lot worse. And it made me think about what a knife edge we live on, this tightrope where a little step to the right or left is the difference between life and death. Such little things, brief moments, small decisions can, potentially, have such a huge impact on your life. Even scarier is that it is not only your decisions, but other people's too, and things that are completely out of your control. If there is one thing being diagnosed with Myeloma has made me realise is that it doesn't matter what kind of person you are, how you treat people, how much you exercise, what you eat...shit things can happen to you. And suddenly, for me at least, all these things that I took for granted such as the blessed good health of my kids, the safety of the area we live in, and all the things I would have thought of as unlikely and therefore not even worth worrying about such as my wife and kids being involved in a huge motorway pile up - all suddenly become real possibilities. The likelihood of a 32 year old getting Myeloma is ludicrously small, tiny in fact: <1% of diagnosed cancers every year are Myeloma and the median age of sufferers is 69. Unlikely things do happen and cannot be ignored. It is a reminder of what a blessing life is, and how we really shouldn't waste a single moment, whether that's bearing a grudge or moping around about something that really isn't worth it when you put it into the perspective of: you could be dead tomorrow. And it makes me want to be with my girls all the time.

Went for a walk yesterday, I found out I am allowed off the ward when neutropenic but only down to this corridor on Level 3 in the evening when it is thoroughly deserted so I will not come into contact with anyone. If you can't imagine what an empty corridor half a mile long looks like I took a picture (I would have taken one even further down the corridor but someone came out of a side door making me suddenly put my camera away, then  I heard a security camera move and realised I was being watched and probably looked like a potential terrorist so I had to move to where there were no security cameras).

The nicest thing about the walk was finding this area where there were open windows, and although I know that the advice is not to have fresh air due to spores, I decided sod it and took a few good lungfulls as you cannot know how much you miss a fresh breeze until you haven't had one in your face for a week. I'm still ok so I assume I did myself no harm.

I seem to be getting over the small amount of nausea I was suffering now, which is great. I have not lost much weight at all and had actually gained some weight today compared with yesterday. I have developed rather shaky hands today, but this is apprently a side effect of the Tacrolimus (the immunosuppressant) and it is not that bad and nothing to worry about. My hair has finally decided it has had enough and is departing and I have a funny feeling I am going to be balder this time than last time seeing the rate of loss...as long as I keep the eyebrows I don't mind!

My neutrophils are on the way up 0.01 on Friday, 0.02 on Saturday and 0.03 today, but I think any doctor would say that these are not significant rises and more likely demonstrate the error margin in the measurement technique when neutrophils are this low. I have been a neutropene for 7 days now, so we are expecting them to rise any day...come on neuts 0.5 then I can go home!